clovenbuttercup | Caspian/Edmund: King of Hearts (2/2): King

Title: King of Hearts (2/2): King
Characters: Caspian X, Other(s)
Relationships: Edmund/Caspian
Setting: Dawn Treader
Notes: Filmverse, I suppose.
Rating: T
Warnings: None
Summary: As soon as you have the chance, you engineer it so you can spend time with him alone, and ever since then you’ve been flirting with him, on and off, trying to make up for lost time.

It has been a long and lonely three years.

But now Ed is back with you again, for as long as Aslan permits. And you suspect ‘as long as Aslan permits’ means he may well not be with you as long as you want him to be. After three years without him, though, you are sure you know what you want. You might not know how to get there from where you are, but you know what you want. You think about it for a while. But your decision, which comes almost straight away, is that you don’t want to think about it too much or for too long. Once you think about solutions for the situation, you’ll be able to rationalise your way out of it. And that won’t get you anywhere with Ed.

It takes time to adjust to this reality, one you'd never let yourself believe you'd have. And for the first few days of your re-acquaintance you think the answer is not to even try to make a move on Ed. Aslan may well pull the two of you apart again, just like last time. And if he does, it’s possible doing nothing is the better choice. You have no heir; becoming involved with Ed, desperate as you are to do just that, will do nothing to solve the problem. So, with heavy reluctance, you consider leaving things as they are.

But things happen to change that. Or, to be more precise, Pug & Co. happen. The absolute terror you feel when Pug’s cronies tear Ed from your side makes things much simpler. When you ask yourself what you want out of this, the answer is always the same. You want Ed, and to hell with everything else. So when the threat from Pug & Co. is over, you carve yourself some time alone with Ed and you take the risk. You pull Ed closer to you until he’s flush against you, and then you kiss him.

You’d meant it only as a quick kiss, over in a heartbeat. But when faced with the reality of kissing him, you change your mind. Because, once you know how it feels to have your lips on his and have him kiss you back, you find you don’t want to stop. It feels as if the two of you have become a single person, and you’re no longer certain where you end and he begins.

When you can’t decide whether to stop or to continue, Ed decides for you. You feel his hands slide into your hair and pull you closer still. And when you feel the first tentative brush of his tongue against your own, you know this was the right thing to do. Once you are sure of that, the conscious decision to lose yourself in him is the easiest thing in the world.

The kiss that follows is hard and deep as you try to pour everything of yourself into it. You’re tired of having to keep up the impression you don’t care for, or about, him. Sick of trying to smother the bloody obvious, you can’t hide what you feel for him any longer. The unconvincing, unsatisfying gloss of being his friend is killing you. All this and more goes into that kiss, which soon becomes frantic from sheer need.

You’ve never been good at articulating your thoughts about Ed and what he is to you. But you want to let all the barriers come down between you. Even if letting yourself be that vulnerable with him isn’t in your best interests. If you let Ed in and allow yourself to love him, it will hurt beyond the telling of it when he leaves you. And it will happen, someday; whether you or he want, or are happy about, it is irrelevant. The worst thing about it is all the wishing in the world won’t make a blind bit of difference to the outcome.

Joy now, pain later. That will always be the deal, and you both know it. But what decides you is the knowledge that losing Ed will hurt, regardless. And you have two options. Isn’t it better to be with him now, and treasure the memory of it later, than keep yourself apart from him and regret it? Because it’s in your hands to decide the depth of the pain when he’s gone.

You break the kiss, gasping for breath.

But you’re not yet willing to lose the contact with Ed or to stop touching him, so you clutch at him when he tries to move away from you. Holding him to you with one hand, you use the other to brush along his face, his neck, his collarbone. You’re after any bare skin you can reach; having come this far already, you’re not about to back down. Especially since you’re fast finding out you can’t stop touching him. You aren’t even sure you want to try.

His skin under your fingers feels too good. Then his hands begin to touch you in return, learning the pattern of your body for the first time. And at the feel of his fingers on your skin, you fight to remember how to breathe. In fact, you go so still he almost stops. You’d never dreamt it could feel so good to touch the man with whom you’re in love and have him touch you in return.

In love.

How far you’ve come already, to admit that. Even if it’s only to yourself.

‘Ed.’

You breathe his name in a tone you’ve never heard yourself use before. Even to you, your voice sounds as if it’s dropped at least an octave in timbre. You feel him shiver against you in response, and can’t help your sudden grin.

You’ve wrestled with your inner demons and come out victorious; you know what sort of man you are. And because of it you know what you want, and you’re prepared to do what’s necessary to get it.

You’ll listen to him and give him emotional support, as you have always done. But you want to be more to him than that. The version of you who held nothing but platonic feelings towards Ed disappeared, after all, soon after you met him. Now you’ve had a taste of him, you want to continue to touch and taste and hold him. You want to hold him up (or hold him down).

You don’t want to be just his friend any more and haven’t wanted to be for a long time. Why? It’s simply not enough for you, and never will be again. No, you don’t want to be his friend.

You want to be his lover.